It rarely happened – all in two weeks time – that one would experience significant events in succession: the famous Sinulog of Cebu which is celebrated once a year; the opportunity to meet the man behind the popular Catholic magazine Kerygma, Bro. Bo Sanchez, and to listen to his inspiring stories and thoughts; the SVD-PHS Provincial Assembly which is usually held every three years; the exciting travels to Cebu and Bohol; and most importantly, the chance to have a personal guided retreat which happened, I should say, once in a blue moon. Imagine, I had all these series of opportunities within fourteen days! I wished to immediately write down my experiences in those events, but I could hardly do so due to time constraints. In the meantime, I would focus on the wonderful outcome of my discernment experience — a story crafted by scriptural passages and shaped, I believed, by the grace of God.
Before I met Fr. Dong Alpuerto, SVD, my spiritual guide, he already knew the purpose of my retreat. My classmate informed him earlier that I was having uncertainties in my journey; that I was like a lost sheep that needed guidance. Fr. Alpuerto set the pace of the retreat by asking me to read and meditate on these verses: “He (Jesus) said to them (apostles), come away by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while (Mark 6:31).” and “And when he (Jesus) had taken leave of them, he went off to the mountain to pray (Mark 6:46).” The message was clear. Jesus emphasized and showed by example the importance of distancing oneself from the usual and ordinary routine activities in life so as to give ample time for oneself to rest and commune with God. Perhaps, the most appropriate term to describe this concept would be “retreat.” Retreat, as my spiritual guide had put it, would mean “being (with the Lord) than doing” and “clearing the vision.”
As I lay in bed in the dim room of the retreat house, I examined the condition of my body from head to toe. In Postulancy, this was what we called “body-scanning.” My body was getting tired. My body craved for the much needed rest. It suddenly dawned upon me that I had been very mobile for the past months juggling from a pile of paper work and the series of schedules that need to be complied with. Although I managed to enjoy myself despite the hectic activities, the goal of having all things that needed to be done completed at the appointed time and at a given situation proved to be a tough act. In the hustle and bustle of everything, I realized that I sometimes missed out expressing my appreciation to the Prime Mover of the events and to thank the Giver of Life for allowing me to make everything possible in spite of my limited capacity.
As I tried to fathom the essence of the word “being,” thoughts of solitude, tranquility, prayer, and a quiet place away from the fast-paced activities provided a relaxing atmosphere. Those thoughts were in fact the things I needed for my “discernment.” I had to discern well as to which path I should to take — the road to the Perpetualist Program – 3rd year Theology (T3), the road to the Overseas Training Program (OTP), or the road outside the confines of the seminary formation. My vision was blurred. I could not clearly see where I was heading for. I lost my sense of focus to respond to the calling for religious life due to some reasons, namely: I was afraid and overwhelmed at the immense responsibility of a consecrated person; I considered myself too young for the mission; and somehow, I became absorbed with the way of life of my batch mates and friends — managing a business; being gainfully employed with adequate salaries; having the freedom to move around anywhere at any time of the day, not just on weekends and holidays; and having a serious relationship with plans of settling down and raising a family. For me, I saw them as the bright side of their lives. I had no idea about the gray and the dark side. They did not tell me about it and likewise, I did not bother to ask. For quite some time, I would imagine myself having a decent job with a salary enough to sustain a living; to drive my own car; and to build a house where my future family would be staying. Having all the free time for gimmicks, having earned a substantial amount of money, having a house, having a business…what is next? I realized that most of these temporal things could only offer temporal gratification.
The challenge arose when I came across the question Jesus had asked Peter, “Do you love me more than these (John 21:15)?” If Jesus would ask me, “Abs, do you love me more than these things?” Perhaps I could not give an answer right away. I could not give him the “absolute sweet yes” at this moment because my heart is filled with desires and attachments.
Since I did not know what to do, Fr. Dong advised me to imitate Paul and ask God, “what shall I do, Lord (Acts 9:10)?” Throughout the retreat, I spent hours before the Blessed Sacrament praying and asking the same question, “what shall I do, Lord?” I was hopeful that God would say “Abs, I want you to become a priest.” Or “Abs, you will be more effective as a lay man.” Or “Abs, go for OTP.” Or “Abs, continue to T3.” Or “Abs, take a leave (of absence), then come back after some years.” But it did not happen. God seemed to be quiet. Instead, He showed me images of the past, of the present, of the good and bad experiences alike. Perhaps, He just smiled and looked at me. Perhaps, he just shook his head and said, “Abs, you are so worried. Why won’t you just stay with me?”
Later on, I realized that God might have spoken to me through the different providential situations I encountered in those days — both materially and spiritually. Some concrete examples. My spiritual guide, Fr. Dong, admitted that he did not prepare nor plan the flow of the retreat. He told me that he was “just listening and cooperating with the movement of the spirit.” Maybe that was the reason why I never got tired of listening to Fr. Dong. I even longed to talk to him for longer hours. He shared his experiences, most especially his struggles, when he was in Theology and he reiterated the insights of his former spiritual directors. Among the many quotations was this, “a vocation is not an absolute certitude.”
I was enlightened by Fr. Dong’s stories and inspired by his reflections and words of wisdom. After the sharing, he told me that “since the matter (regarding my vocation) was not clear, [I suggest] that you better continue.” Have I heard the right words? Was that God’s voice speaking through Fr. Dong? I did not know. But upon hearing those words, I sighed…smiled…and said, “Yes Father, I will continue!” That was wonderful! I believed I got the answer. I felt relieved and partly freed from confusion though I knew and I would not deny the fact that deep down in my heart there was and there is still some uncertainty.
As the fruitful conversation went along, I shared to Fr. Dong that I was struck by the very words of Jesus to the disciples of John the Baptist who followed him. Jesus asked, “What are you looking for (John 1:35)?” Fr. Dong imparted his reflections on those words of Jesus then he inquired, if Jesus would ask you the same question, what would be your answer? I told him, “I don’t know, Father. I could not answer that question at this very moment.” I continued, “I will continue to search for the answer to the question of Jesus even after my five-day retreat is over.” Then Fr. Dong recalled the famous line of St. Augustine, “Our hearts are restless until they rest in God.” Thereafter, he blessed me.
At the end of the day, I attended the worship concert organized by the charismatic group in USC Talamban. The guest speaker was Bro. Bo Sanchez who shared about his discernment experience while having his retreat. Bo said that early on during the retreat, he asked God to tell him what God wanted him to be. But God had no answer. The experience sounded familiar to me. That was also my experience! When Bo attended a concert towards the end of his retreat, he was touched by the speaker’s words “…listen to the deepest desire of your heart…” With that, Bo ran to the chapel and became convinced that he finally found the answer. According to him, God told him, “my son, you choose.” The words were, “my son, you choose!” That phrase struck me and I told myself, “maybe this is a part of the message to me.”
My retreat ended on the Feast of the Conversion of Paul. That was a grace-filled retreat. Along the way, I began to see the rays of light. I began to regain my sight with the aid of the instrument of God. This experience was like the account about Ananias who laid his hands on Paul and immediately, things like scales fell from Paul’s eyes and he regained his sight (cf Acts 9).
I guess I have not totally cleared my vision and that is the reason why my retreat continues until this very day. The quest for the answer to the question of Jesus, “what are you looking for?” echoes in my daily journey. Perhaps, making a choice, as Bo did, can lead me to the right answer to the piercing question of Jesus. Although my retreat has ended, but my promise remains and will continue. I promise to remain to the vine, to Jesus, that I may not wither but instead, I may bear fruit (cf. John 15:1-6).
